Hodnes laik kwelnes
by frotneck9
Summary: Sometimes you have to find a way to rid yourself of weakness. When you find a way will it always be successful? Rating for violence and adult content in future chapters. I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I haven't written and posted anything in a long time so I'm a bit rusty. I couldn't get this out of my head so here it is. Please review and let me know what you think. I am working on actual chapters to this. Hope you all enjoy.

Prologue

Red splatters across the vinyl canvas. "Pop! Pop! Pop! Thwack!" in quick succession echoes throughout the empty room. The only thing that can be heard is the smashing of flesh and bones while blood splashes out and drips down across the bag. Each streak measures the pain and anger felt by the perpetrator. Every impact releases another demon with more racing to take it's place. There is no relief.

As the blood splatters become uncountable she starts to slow knowing there will be no patching this up. She breathes harder as the anger swells again and she swings harder hearing a crunch but the impact doesn't register in her nerves. She knows there should be a pain in her hand but the pain in her chest is so overwhelming nothing else matters.

When the next hit lands limply she knows the burst of anger has worn off and soon the swelling and bruising will come. As she looks at her hands, the sight of which should frighten her, she finally feels like she accomplished something. Where skin should be there was just watery, bloody flesh. Knuckles that once stood proud amongst it's brothers in arms are now hidden underneath a swelling that is already turning purple with a bruise.

For the first time in a long while she smiles. The free standing punching bag has stopped dripping and now has dried strings of crimson tears. Finally, something else is crying. She vows no tears will ever touch her face again. From now on that weakness will be expelled through her fists. Where a hurting girl once stood there was now a stone shell. No more emotions. Just physical pain. The sweet release of sore muscles and torn skin is all that will be felt from now on.

 _Hodnes laik kwelnes._


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: I wanted to do something a little different with Clarke leaving and going into solitude in the forest and how that leads to her and Lexa seeing each other again. I hope you all like it. Let me know what you think.

I own nothing.

Chapter 1

As she walks out of the exercise room slowly taking the wraps off her hands Clarke has a twisted smirk to her lips because of the pain that radiates through her hands as the cloth wrap pulls the skin hanging off her knuckles. Most people would be flinching and crying out at this point, hell a short while ago she would have been doubled over with the pain she could feel. Now, Clarke enjoyed the sweet torture of this task because she knew she was succeeding in stripping the weakness away with each pull of the wraps. This was going to work. She was going to get rid of this pain in her heart if it was the last thing she did.

Clarke rounds the corner to go to her quarters and passes by the common room as she goes. As she walks by she slows just enough to see everyone checking on the people they care about and helping one another. For them the events at the mountain brought back loved ones and friends and now was the time to reunite and heal the wounds. Well, for most of them. She glimpsed Jasper from the corner of her eye as he sat hunched over and alone in the corner of the room not seeing anything but the vision of level 5 that haunts him, that haunts her. She will never be able to forgive herself for the decisions she was forced to make. No, she will never forgive Lexa for making her make those decisions alone. For abandoning her when she needed her the most. The anger flowed through her veins as it scalded a path up her body until all she could feel was the heat of it as the bile rose up her throat from her stomach. She clenched her aching fists until she felt her battered knuckles pop into place ready for the next fight. She shook her head as she quickly walked past the doors knowing that this was not a place she could stay, nor would she be openly welcomed by everyone.

Picking up her pace she ducked her head so no one would catch her eye and try to include her in a conversation that she could not bare. While she was trying to get to the safety of her room as quickly as possible she ran straight into an unsuspecting person. She wanted to just apologize and move on but when she looked up she realized it was her mom and the words about to tumble over her lips froze. She tried to give a small smile and walk around her but Abby stopped her with a quick grab to her hand that made Clarke yelp as she pulled it away. Abby quirked an eyebrow at the noise and looked at her daughter's hands to see the damage that had been done.

"Those need to be cleaned and bandaged. Let's go." Abby stated leaving no room for protest from Clarke as she grabbed her shoulder and guided her to the medical bay. Clarke knew better than to argue and also didn't want her voice to betray her when she opened her mouth.

Once they walked into the medical bay Abby had her sit on a bed as she gathered all the supplies she would need. She knows that Clarke will not want to explain why her hands look this way but seeing the wraps hanging out of her pocket lets her know that these wounds are self inflicted. Instead of pushing for answers she gingerly starts cleaning the mixture of fluid and blood that has started to coagulate across her knuckles. It stings but Clarke just grits her teeth together and relishes the burn that comes with each stroke of the cloth her mother holds.

There is so much she wants to say to her mom. Things she should say but as she looks around and starts thinking about this place that everyone from the Ark is trying to build into a home she realizes that she doesn't have a place here. Everyone from the 100 has fallen into some semblance of normalcy and she just can't find it in her to do that. She is not the girl who grew up amongst these people who think they are the only hope for the human race anymore. She has learned so much since reaching the ground and experienced things she would never have even dreamed. Not even in her worst nightmares would she have foreseen the amount of death she would be responsible for, how much blood is on her hands. She has the overwhelming sense that she doesn't belong here and suddenly the tightness of all the metal surrounding them is suffocating. She can't stay here. Looking up and seeing her mom's face lined with concern and a hint of frustration at not knowing what to say to help her daughter Clarke knows she needs to do something, say something so her mom knows that she is not responsible for healing all of Clarke's wounds.

"Mom" she started but didn't know what else to say. How do you tell the woman who raised you that you are leaving and that she can't stop you? This is something she knows she needs to do but she also knows that it will hurt a few people. The weight she carries on her shoulders is draining and she has to take a break. She has taken on every challenge since they crashed onto Earth and she is tired and broken. It may be selfish but she is taking this time. If the people who claim to love her can't understand that then they don't care as much as they say they do.

Abby watches the many emotions flash across Clarke's face after she spoke and she starts to ask what she was going to say but something stops her. She finishes putting on the last of the bandages as she patiently waits for Clarke to finish what she was saying.

"I forgive you. For Dad. I know tough decisions were made and trust was put in people that you expected to help you and they betrayed you. I understand that now. I know that pain will always be with you and I'm sorry for adding to that." The words flowed out of her mouth before she realized how much that weighed on her and each word helped ease that pain of the past just a bit. She also wanted her mom to know she forgave her in case they never saw each other again. She wouldn't tell her that she would be leaving because she knows she would try to stop her but she could give her this.

"Clarke" Abby whispered as she felt the tears spring to her eyes. It hit her how long she had been waiting to hear these words from her daughter. "Thank you. That means a lot to me even though I wish you didn't understand all of this so well. I wish I could have protected you from all of this. I should have as your mother."

"You couldn't have protected me from it. You did what you thought would give me the best fighting chance by sending me and the rest of the hundred down to Earth. If you hadn't I would have been floated once I turned 18. Sending me here saved my life." _But destroyed my soul_. That thought made her look down at her hands and realize that her mother had finished bandaging them.

"I love you, Clarke. I know I don't always make the right decisions but I try to make the ones that I think will be best for you and your future." Abby wraps her arms around Clarke and pulls her into her chest like she used to when she was a child and it's so comforting that she falls into it as she inhales the scent of her childhood. She lets herself enjoy the moment for a little while before she pulls back and straightens her shoulders, putting her mask back on.

"Thank you for taking care of my hands. I may have overdone it a bit." Clarke hops down from the table shrugging as she glances at her mom seeing that her explanation didn't do anything to ease the concern. She didn't really have time to think about that because she knew if she stayed much longer it would get emotional again and she couldn't do that. She kissed her mom on the cheek as she started to walk past her.

"I love you too."

Without looking back she walks out of the medical bay with new found energy in her steps that carried her to her room. Quickly she packs a bag with the few grounder clothes she had and her knife she could clip to her belt. After changing into her boots and jacket she throws the bag over her shoulder and walks out of her quarters and to the opening of the ark. With each step her resolve gets stronger and the walls she had started to build get higher.

Just as she was about to the gates she hears her name being yelled over the noise of the guards. She didn't have to turn around to know who was calling for her. She was hoping to get out of camp without having to face this but her luck is never that good.

"What's with the bag? Going somewhere?" Bellamy asked as he caught up to Clarke. When she turned around and their eyes met his joking smile fell. With that one look he knew that Clarke was going somewhere and he wasn't going to like it.

"Bellamy, I can't stay here. Not after what I've done. I need a break from all of the pressure of being the leader of our people, especially since most of them don't think of me as their leader. I've lost a part of me and I know I can't fix that here with the constant reminders of what happened at the mountain. For once since we landed here I need to be selfish and take care of me first. I'm tired."

"Please don't leave."

"I have to." Tears started to well up in her eyes but she stood taller and breathed deeply to keep them from falling. No more weakness.

"I know you will take care of them." She watches him try to think of something to say that will make her stay but there isn't anything. She gives him a sad smile and turns around to walk through the gates.

Reaching the tree line she fights the urge to turn around and take a look at the home her people were building but she reminds herself that this place was not home. Maybe she will find her home but for now she was going to enjoy the solitude of the forest where no one needed her to make a decision that could take lives. God knows she has plenty of faces that haunt her dreams each night to last a lifetime. The worst one being the one that looks into her soul with shining green eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: All trigedaslang translations are from an App (yes, there is an app for that) so if anything is incorrect I apologize. I look forward to any reviews, compliments, or constructive criticism. Enjoy the new chapter.

Chapter 2

All that can be heard in the woods is the quick sharp breaths as Clarke runs through the thick trees knowing that the predator is close behind because of the hairs standing at attention on the back of her neck. She knows if she gets just a little further she will have a fighting chance.

The rocks come into view and she pulls her knife from the sheath on her belt as she launches her body between two that stand strong and close together. Twisting her body as she falls between them she holds the knife in front of her body with wide eyes as she sees the shadow lunge over her. The huge cat hits the rocks first giving her enough time to thrust upwards with all of her strength. As the knife plunges into the chest of the beast one paw swipes between the rocks and across her face, one claw gaining purchase from her temple to her jaw diagonally. Feeling the blood run down her cheek makes her bare her teeth in a twisted smile.

"Yu gonplei ste odon" she says as she twists the knife severing the aorta with one last yelp from the panther. Crimson waves flow down her arms onto her chest as the metallic smell wafts through the air.

Clarke sees the panther's body go slack and moves to stand pushing the cat down the rocks that were her barrier. Standing she feels the now familiar burn in her muscles from her run through the woods and the twinge in her back from throwing herself between the rocks. She knows her back is most likely more bruises than not and she feels like she accomplished more of her goal. All physical injuries mask the emotional ones so she can pretend they don't exist.

It has been two months since she left Arkadia and each day she was surer that she had made the right decision. Each day she has discovered a new level of strength that she wasn't sure she had. The first few days were the worst because she was not prepared for the hunger she would encounter from walking through the forest day and night looking for shelter, only stopping to rest for short periods of time. The pangs of hunger felt like some sort of justice from the pain she had caused but after so long her instincts kicked in and she began to hunt for small game like rabbits. She cried after her first kill as she skinned the small creature. She had built a fire to cook the meat and after two bites she ran behind the nearest tree to empty the contents of her stomach. Once she was done she stumbled back to the fire and quickly packed up the rest of the rabbit meat and shoved it in her pack so she didn't have to look at it any longer and stomped the fire out.

Steeling her nerves she walked faster towards an area where the hills raised. As she rounded a patch of trees a dark area caught her eye. Nestled behind tall bushes was an opening to a cave. The entire time she had been in this area she had not seen another human, grounder or skaikru. Listening intently she approached the opening to the cave and slowly made her way inside. Several yards in there was a turn to the left that took her deeper into the hillside followed by a sharp right. It grew dark quickly and she was forced to use her flashlight to be able to make her way further. After walking another minute the cave opened up into a space bigger than her skybox on the Ark. After checking every wall to make sure there were no other entrances she decided this would be a great place to rest for a while.

She dropped her pack and made her way back out of the cave and scanned the forest for branches to be able to conceal the entrance further. Once she was satisfied she made her way back to the room inside the cave and built a fire, thankful she had done well in Earth skills back on the Ark. Staring into the fire something clicked inside of her and all the emotions she had about killing the rabbit faded away.

 _The dead are gone, the living are hungry._

Her back straightened as the words echoed through her mind. These words were not describing actual hunger but they fit so well in this situation. Taking care of her physical hunger will allow her to survive until she can satisfy her hunger for revenge, revenge for the loss of herself, her humanity. She was starving for the chance to press a blade to Lexa's throat as she kneeled before her. She unpacked the remaining rabbit and ate as she stared into the fire seeing scenes of making Lexa pay for her betrayal at the Mountain.

As the days went by she found she had a knack for hunting. She started hunting bigger game by climbing into the trees and jumping down on them from above and cutting their throats quickly. Each kill received the grounder's words and a moment of respect for their sacrifice. She knew her survival was dependent on the loss of their life and she honored each animal for this. Hunting bigger game had led her to discovering new areas further away from the cave she had made into a home. There was a small trader's post about 20 miles from the cave that she had found while tracking a buck. When she had killed the animal she decided to take it to the trader to see what materials she could get for it.

Waiting outside hidden behind the trees she watched the door into the small building to access any danger there may be. She wasn't worried about being recognized since she didn't look much like herself anymore. She had figured out a way to make a poorly held together coat from the pelts of her kills and she had also used some red roots she had unearthed to dye her hair red. The last time she looked at her reflection in the stream she didn't recognize herself. She watched as a man left the building and hooked a horse to a small cart and started down the well worn road into the forest.

After several minutes of the man and horse disappearing Clarke slowly made her way to the trader's post dragging the buck behind her. She left it right outside the door and slipped quietly inside to scope it out before catching the attention of the trader. She made her way around the table with smaller items and furs and picked up a pair of fur boot covers to look at. Someone cleared their throat behind her making her tense and stand straight as she turned around to see a dark blonde woman standing behind the counter watching her with a raised brow.

"Na ai sis au yu?" (Can I help you?) the woman says while looking Clarke up and down noticing the unnatural red color to her hair and the layer of dirt mixed with blood covering every inch of her body.

Clarke paused for a few moments repeating the words in her mind and thinking back to the lessons on Trigedasleng she had received from Lexa while planning the war against the mountain. She never thought she would be thankful for something Lexa did but in this moment she was.

"Ai don a trilipa ai gaf in gon kof op." (I have a deer I would like to trade) Clarke responded hoping she had pronounced it all correctly.

"Dula op yu gaf in gon kof op em ogeda o don bida steiks son op?" (Do you want to trade it all or have some meat dried?)

"Kof op half en son op ostof." (Trade half and dry the rest.) She decided since she still has some meat left in her pack from her last kill and she had set a trap for rabbits closer to the cave that should have something in it when she returns. The woman nods as she comes out from behind the counter and follows Clarke to the door where the buck is laying. She examines it and seems to be impressed with the size as she peaks at Clarke from the corner of her eye.

"Dula op yu gaf in de pelt?" (Do you want the pelt?)

"Na yu make em ona a blanket?" (Can you make it into a blanket?)

"Sha" (Yes) the woman nods and smiles as she pulls the deer through the post and into the back room where it will be processed. "Ai na don em ogud neson week." (I can have it ready next week.)

Clarke thinks on this and raises her chin once to confirm that this will work for her. She watches as the woman checks the deer over and assumes she is appraising it for what half would be worth to trade. Seeing this she starts to scan the tables and shelves around her for anything she may need. She picks up some flint to make building fires easier and grabs the boot covers as well. She sets the items on the counter as the woman approaches.

"De half ste worth mou than disha." (The half is worth more than this.) At these words Clarke turned and looked at the shelf that she hadn't looked too closely at before thinking she should be more practical but the shine of silver drew her in. She reached for the item and set it on the counter. She saw the look of surprise on the woman's face but didn't allow that to affect her as she stood there with her shoulders back looking steadfast.

"Ai na ste back neson week gon de steiks en pelt," (I will be back next week for the meat and pelt) she paused as she looked at the woman realizing she never got her name and then panicked slightly wondering if she would ask for her name in return.

"Niylah" the woman stated as she finished making marks on a paper that Clarke assumed she used to track her inventory. She nodded as she picked up the sheathed sword that was her last minute grab she decided to strap it to her back before leaving. She unbuckled it but struggled to get the strap to go over her shoulder like it needed to. Suddenly hands grabbed the strap and pulled it into place before buckling it across her chest.

"Mochof, Niylah" Clarke said quickly as she grabbed her other items and started to make for the door.

"Pro," Niylah paused hoping to get a name in return but Clarke rushed out the door before she could ask for it.

Over the next several weeks they fell into the routine of Clarke coming into the post, after Niylah's father left for a supply run, bringing her most recent kill while Niylah gives her the typical load of supplies and the dried and salted meat from the previous week's kill. The panther is by far the biggest load she has brought in and she struggles slightly with the makeshift stretcher she drags behind her through the trees.

When she reaches the tree line she squats in her normal position with the best view to watch for the man leaving and instead is met with the view of several men standing there, two of which she had never seen before. She had made a point of avoiding interactions with other grounders since she had started her solitary. There had been times she had come close to hunting parties and quickly climbed a tree to avoid detection from them. She would listen to them as they walked under her and could hear bits and pieces of their conversations. There was one word that she had heard several times that she had never heard previously. _Wanheda._ The way they spoke it sounded like they were talking about a person, a person they seemed to respect and fear. As she crouched at the tree line she heard the two men she didn't recognize asking Niylah's father about this Wanheda and he shook his head as he said he hadn't seen this person. The two were huge men whom she assumed were from Trikru and something about them made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end as she watched them make their way away from the post.

She waited longer than usual after Niylah's father had left to make sure the two brutes didn't make their way back in her direction. She cautiously and quietly dragged the panther across the road and to the trader's post where she was sure Niylah was waiting for her entrance. As she walked through the door she was met with concerned brown eyes that only became more so when she finally registered the gash that ran the length of her face that was still slowly bleeding with each deep breath she took. Niylah rushed to help her pull the panther inside and put it in the back room and silently grabbed a bowl and cloth to clean Clarke's face.

Clarke could tell that Niylah wanted to say something the entire time she was cleaning the wound but each time she opened her mouth she would quickly close it and the anxiety was palpable in the air. Clarke decided to try to break the uncomfortable atmosphere and unknowingly made it so much worse with one question.

"Chon ste disha Wanheda?" (Who is this Wanheda?)

Niylah went rigid as Clarke asked the question and immediately brushed the cloth down Clarke's face a lot harsher than she meant to.

"Skrish" (Shit) Clarke hissed as she jerked her face back from Niylah's reach, taking in the terrified look in her eyes. She cocked her head to the side trying to figure out what made the young woman react this way. "Niylah, chon ste Wanheda?" (Niylah, who is Wanheda?)

"Yu. Yu ste Wanheda." (You. You are Wanheda.) Niylah whispers like someone may be listening to their conversation and even goes as far as to cast a glance over her shoulder to make sure there wasn't someone eavesdropping. Clarke gasps and scrunches up her face with utter confusion.

"Ai? Ai laik Wanheda?" (Me? I am Wanheda?)


End file.
